Nice Work: Out of control

Hey there,

Here are three situations people shared with me in the last week:

1. A content designer is trying to root every bit of bad copy out of their organization. “I feel responsible for anything low content that goes out the door,” they say. 

2. A researcher is worried that a report they’re writing will ruffle feathers. “What if someone goes online and tears down my work?” they wonder. 

3. A design director is feeling dejected after months of trying to convince product leadership to partner with them more deeply. “I feel like I’m failing the design practice,” they sigh.

These are very different people facing very different challenges, but they all share a common theme: control. 

Or more accurately: lack of control.

It would be nice to feel certain that if we just worked hard enough, we could make our colleagues value us, our peers treat us fairly, and our organization’s UX issues disappear. (Hell, it would be nice to feel certain of just about anything right now.)

But no matter how much we fret and freak out, we simply don’t control other people’s priorities, opinions, or behaviors. And the more energy we spend wringing our hands over those things, the less we have left to focus on what actually is within our control.

It’s something Amy Thibodeau, the chief design officer at Gusto, had to learn the hard way. “I spent a lot of time early in my career thinking about my ideal rather than the reality of the situation,” she recently told Design Dept. “It’s that designer mindset—we’re always thinking about how things can be better. Which is great, but when we apply that thinking to realities we cannot control, it’s exhausting.”

That’s an exhaustion I’ve been hearing about from lots of clients lately.

***

So what can you do instead? I’d say this post from Michael Metts, an author and a principal content designer at Expedia, is a great place to start:

“Who do I want to be in this moment?” I love this question because it takes all that anxious energy and refocuses it on the one thing we can actually control, every single time: our own behavior.

This doesn’t mean we have to feel good about whatever’s happening around us. It can be disheartening to acknowledge that sometimes, no matter how much time or energy we dedicate, we’re not in control of the final outcome.

But once we accept this reality, we can recognize that having bad feelings doesn’t mean that we’re failing. It just means we’re in a tough situation.

***

When I explore these issues with clients, they often realize that underneath their desire for control is an unmet need for validation: they want recognition, respect, impact, approval. They want someone to tell them that their work is OK. That they’re OK. And they think that if they just work harder, please everyone around them, and never make a mistake, then they’ll get that validation.

This kind of external validation alone never actually convinces us we’re OK, though. At best, it provides a quick hit of relief…and then it wears off.

But when we instead slow down and focus on who we are and how we want to show up to our most challenging moments, something surprising often happens: we actually feel more validated than ever—because now we can validate ourselves, instead of constantly seeking that validation from others. We can feel successful, even if not everyone likes us or understands our work. Even if we don’t work ourselves to the bone to fix every single problem in our organizations. Because now our sense of self doesn’t rely on getting a specific outcome from others. It comes from something much deeper: the knowledge that we showed up in a way we’re proud of.

That’s a confidence no one can take away.

—Sara

Back the book from Women Talk Design

I’ve been a fan of Women Talk Design’s public speaking programs since day one, so of course I’m extremely excited that they’re turning their eight-week Present Yourself course into a BOOK! Hell yeah. All they need is some community support to make it happen. If you want to be one of the first to get a copy, back the project now on Kickstarter.

On the reading list

1. When Confronting Bias, Beware the Counterclaims

2. “How Do I Get Past My Insecurity at Work After Being Fired?”

3. Are Mentors Modeling Toxic “Ideal Worker” Norms?

4. “My Boss Demands Unrealistic Timelines When Assigning Me Work”