Nice Work: That’s one way of looking at things

Hey there,

I turn 40 this weekend. Part of me still can’t believe it—how could this thing that happens to literally everyone happen to me!?! 

Part of me feels anxious about all the little ways I can see and feel my body changing (and all the ways that women, particularly, get judged for visible aging). And part of me wants to jump to comparison mode: Have I done enough so far? Am I where I “should” be by now?

But last week, as we wrapped up the spring cohort of our Courageous Leadership Program, another feeling started peeking through. 

It felt a lot like joy. 

Let me explain. At the end of our last session, I always give participants a chance to “close out”—to tell one another what they most want to hold onto from their time in the program, and to share any other closing words with their peers. And as I listened to the group popcorn around on Zoom, sharing wisdom and affirmation with each other, I realized: I’m right where I need to be. 

Not just because I love helping people work through stuck spots and embrace their strengths (though I do). But because I also learn so much from each group. I gain new ways of seeing and thinking, and more resources to help me shift away from old patterns and toward the kind of leader I want to be in the world.  

Here are a few of the perspectives that came out this time. 

You already have what you need to lead.
You don’t need to become a whole new person to be a leader. You’re enough already. You just need to set down the tools that no longer serve you, and embrace the leader you’ve always been. As one of our group members put it, “it was in you all along.” 

Your perspective is valuable because it’s yours.
So many of us feel like we need to have the “right” answer before speaking up. But that’s a really high bar—one that’s likely to keep you silent. If you instead focus on sharing from your unique point of view—from the place you stand in the world, with the experiences only you have had—you’ll always add something meaningful. As one member said last week: “We will always be the subject matter expert on our own perspective.”

Find your people, and open up to them.
Worries and negative thoughts tend to feel really heavy when they’re stuck in our heads. It’s fertile ground for all kinds of cognitive distortions. Find a community that will listen deeply and champion you loudly when you share the messy bits: the doubts, the missteps, the thought spirals. You’ll feel less alone—and odds are good, so will they. 

I teared up a little as everyone shared how their thinking had shifted. Because I know how hard each person worked to get here. They had to undo years of societal conditioning. Revisit painful experiences. Open up to new people. Give themselves grace. It’s no small feat, but they’d done it. 

And for 12 weeks, I got to be part of it.   

I’d be lying if I said this moment erased my worries over turning 40. It didn’t. But you know what? That’s OK. Because the longer I do this work, the clearer it becomes: I don’t have to believe all the anxious thoughts that swim by. And I don’t have to beat myself up for having them, either. I can simply acknowledge them for what they are: one way of looking at things. Not right, not wrong—just scared. 

I know a lot of us are scared right now—about our jobs, our wellbeing, our world. I hope whatever’s worrying you, you can pause to let in some joyful thoughts, too. 

– Sara

EPISODE 4

I got laid off. Should I panic?

Layoffs aren’t personal—but they sure feel like it. Here’s how to process those big feelings without wallowing in them.

On the reading list

The Leader’s Journey by Donna Lichaw
I’ve known Donna for years—first as a UX person, and then as a coach helping nontraditional leaders step into their power at work. Now she’s got a new book written just for all those quirky, don’t-quite-fit-in-the-box folks (I know that’s a lot of you). If you want leadership tools that help you feel more like you—not trying to be someone else—pick this up stat.

Career planning, without the pain
Do you cringe at the term “career plan”? Then my friend Vanessa Gennarelli created a career-planning guide just for you! It’s full of practical tools to help you make sense of what really matters to you in your next role—and it’s free while it’s in beta! 

How women are “never quite right” as leaders
New research affirms something I think a lot of us already know in our bones: “practically any characteristic can be proclaimed problematic to question a woman’s competence and suitability for leadership.” In this new study, researchers identified the 30 most common traits used in critiques against women at work—from age (either too young or too old) to physical appearance (too pretty or too ugly) to level of extroversion (too shy or too aggressive). Here’s the truth: you’ll exhaust yourself trying to be “just right”—or you can stop playing a rigged game. I choose the latter.

We don’t do that here
Setting healthy, inclusive cultural norms in a workplace is not easy. It takes time, consistency, and a good bit of courage to speak up for what’s right, even when you’re uncomfortable. But this little five-word phrase? It’s a simple way to state the boundaries of what behavior is and is not OK—without opening the door to an endless debate. As the author writes, “this sentence doesn’t push my morality on anyone…I’m just cluing them into the local culture and values. If I deliver this sentence well it carries no more emotional weight than saying, ‘in Japan, people drive on the left.’”