Nice Work: We've got strong feelings (again)

One of my coaching clients recently told me they’ve been struggling with someone on their team. (Don’t worry, I asked them before sharing this!)

“I felt like I was running around tap dancing, trying everything to make them happy—but nothing was ever enough,” they told me. “Then I realized, this is exactly how I felt with my ex.”

They’d learned years ago to never get into another relationship like that. But they hadn’t expected it to happen at work—so when all those same feelings came flooding back, they took it hard.

They’re not alone. Our past experiences affect how we show up at work all the time.

Maybe you shut down and go numb during design critiques because that’s how you coped with being criticized by a harsh parent. Maybe you were taught that “polite conversation” meant avoiding topics like race or disability, so you get uncomfortable and defensive when they come up in team culture conversations.

Or maybe you’re like me, and grew up feeling chronically unsafe and on guard. It took me years to realize that I had normalized—and even fought to save!—work relationships that made me feel on edge. It’s what I was used to, so it’s what some part of me thought I still deserved.

I often hear people say that we should “leave our feelings at the door” when we come to work. We talk about being “data-driven” or “focused on the facts.” But the truth is, humans are feeling creatures—everywhere we go.

Our emotions don’t care about our 9-to-5s. Our triggers and coping mechanisms don’t take a break just because we’re in a meeting.

And often the people who think they’re the best at turning off their feelings are actually the ones letting them spill out all over the place—overreacting to small problems, lashing out with personal attacks, or aggressively shutting down important conversations.

I don’t want to live that way, and I bet that if you’re reading this, you don’t either. It’s exhausting—because it keeps your brain stuck in a fear response, perceiving everything around you as a threat. And once your brain’s fight-flight-freeze mechanism gets going, you literally can’t think. You’re stuck in reaction mode.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

While we can’t prevent old experiences from resurfacing, we can change how we react when it happens.

The first step is simply learning to notice when you’re getting steamed up, and pause. What are you actually feeling? When have you felt like this before? Can you separate the situation from your reaction to the situation?

It’s not easy, of course—it’s a practice, and one I plan to work on for the rest of my life. But the more you get comfortable naming what you’re feeling, the easier it will get—and the better you’ll be able to hold off on knee-jerk reactions that just make things worse.

Just ask my client. Because as soon as they realized what they were feeling, they gained perspective. They felt more grounded. And then they handled the situation like the thoughtful, humane leader they are. 

😂😩🥺😌,

Sara

PS: If you're interested in more ideas for handling emotions at work, check out this guide to mastering emotions at work from neurocoach (and Active Voice collaborator!) Keshawn Hughes.

Our next Take the Lead workshop is 3/23

I love running this 2.5-hour workshop with Women Talk Design. Join us to start unpacking who you are as a leader—and rejecting the cultural messages that have kept you playing small. It's an affordable intro to working with us, and I'd love to see you there.

Strong Feelings is back starting 3/25! 

After a year (!) on hiatus, the Strong Feelings podcast is coming back! My cohost and forever friend Katel LeDû won't be there this season, but I will be joined by an amazing roster of courageous leaders and professional troublemakers who are changing the status quo in tech and design.

On the reading list

1. “Zoom fatigue” is real, and small tweaks in your setup can help.

This research out of Stanford has simple tweaks to make video calls less draining: make the Zoom window smaller, get your camera further away from you, hide your self-view, and have everyone turn their cameras off now and then. A friend recently told me she adds frequent one-minute breaks to workshops—time for people to rest their eyes, turn off their video, and get up to stretch. I plan to steal this idea immediately.

2. Employee activism is on the rise. Managers need to get ready.

It’s great to hear that employee activism around justice issues is on the rise (HELL YES!). But the not-so-great is that many managers and leaders aren’t prepared to deal with it. If you’re trying to stay “apolitical,” or think everyone's comfortable talking with you, you’re in danger of getting your response very, very wrong.

3. Personal boundaries don't replace company guardrails.

In Anne Helen Petersen’s peek at her new book on remote work, she talks about the problem with telling people to set boundaries at work: 

She’s right about guardrails: every time I read an article about how to tell your colleagues you don’t answer email between 6-9pm, I want to scream. It shouldn’t be your job to state that you don’t work after work! But boundaries aren’t meaningless. They’re a crucial part of self-understanding and relationship-building. When we learn to understand our needs and boundaries, we are able to communicate more clearly and honestly with the people around us—from our partners to our parents to our colleagues. We’re able to cultivate healthier relationships. We're able to identify why we’re feeling upset, and then decide what to do about it—instead of blowing up or shutting down. So while I absolutely believe that your personal boundaries aren’t the only thing that should keep you from overwork, I hope y’all don’t give up boundaries!

4. Stop telling women they have impostor syndrome.

Ooooof. As I’ve long said: impostor syndrome isn’t something you gave yourself! There’s a reason people from marginalized and historically oppressed groups tend to feel like impostors. It’s by design! Join me in rejecting any conversation about impostor syndrome that doesn’t acknowledge the systems and structures—like systemic racism and sexism, or constant undermining and gaslighting—that precede it.