Nice Work: Stop saving the day—and still be a hero

Hi there,

Give me your feisty, your dissatisfied, and your underperforming!

For a lot of my career, I felt like this was an invisible sign hanging around my neck. I had a pattern of getting the worst assignments. Like the project where the team was barely on speaking terms. Or the client who was getting antsy and anxious—and lashing out. Or the direct report who’d exasperated her previous managers to near-shutdown.

Bad luck? Not so much. Over time, more and more people admitted that I was intentionally given these assignments because I was really, really good at handling them.

I’ll admit: hearing that over and over again really stroked my ego. It was a talent of mine—and one that made me feel far more special than my technical skills ever did. I could see its impact every day, whether I watched a squabbling team start to collaborate more or a direct report bust through a plateau.

This didn’t require any formal training, other than growing up in a house full of big, tumultuous personalities. My adaptive skills—soothing hurt feelings, brokering peace, and doing a lot more listening than talking—turned out to be pretty profitable. 

Except when they cost a lot.

Because yes, I am a person who can handle challenging personalities. But I’m also… a person with high anxiety, a tendency to absorb other people’s moods and energy, and perpetual ADHD overwhelm.

With every snarky DM, or panicked email, or meeting outburst, I would feel the pressure pinning me down. I’d end up in phases where I’d start forgetting to eat, too absorbed in my own furious rumination, sneaking cigarettes between meetings just to check out.

When that happened I’d get resentful. And then I’d be flooded with guilt for feeling resentful. So then I’d make up for all those mean, judgemental things I was thinking by trying to help even more.

I can’t believe I put myself through that kind of stress for so long.

I was thinking of this past version of me while I was reading Gallup’s State of the Global Workplace report, which came out last week. As always, it focused a lot on management—both the consequences of bad management and the current experience of managers, which continues to be—year after year—not great.

“Managers are more likely to be stressed, angry, sad, and lonely than non-managers,” the report says. And yep, that certainly tracks. It warns: “Any initiative to address employee mental health and wellbeing should recognize that managers are not immune from suffering—in fact, they may need the most support in some cases.”

I’ve had caring bosses and thoughtful colleagues for the majority of my career. But the virtual hugs, the shared venting sessions, the concerned check-ins—that wasn’t actually the support I needed. What I needed were tools. 

I finally got those tools when I took my coach training. As this Harvard Business Review article explains: “An effective manager-as-coach asks questions instead of providing answers, supports employees instead of judging them, and facilitates their development instead of dictating what has to be done.” 

So simple—but powerful too. Before, my response to any panicked message was to jump straight to: What can I do to fix this? Your engineering lead is being a jerk? Let me go talk to them. You’re not happy with the team’s output? Let me stay up all night tweaking things until you like it more. You’re having doubts about your capabilities? Friend, let me reassure you over and over again.

All paths led to me jumping in to save the day. No wonder I was so exhausted.

But coaching gave me less energy-intensive ways to respond to these kinds of issues. It gave me frameworks to use and techniques to apply. Like the GROW model—which stands for Goal, Reality, Options, and Way forward.

So take that first issue: My engineering lead is being a jerk. Instead of inserting myself into their relationship, I’d help the person contacting me figure out how they wanted to handle the situation. The conversation flow might look like this:

• GOAL: How would you like this relationship to look? What do you want them to know about how they’re impacting you? What resolution do you seek?

• REALITY: What are the issues you’re dealing with? What does the relationship look like now? How far is the gap between your goal and your current experience?

• OPTIONS: What are some ways you could close that gap? What obstacles will you need to navigate around? When you’ve successfully dealt with similar issues before, what worked for you?

• WAY FORWARD: What’s the first step you plan to take? What support do you need? How will you know if you’re making progress?

I could see people’s confidence grow when they left conversations like this—they might return to the topic to give updates, or brainstorm more next steps, but rarely did their worries and frustrations match the intensity of their original calls. But I didn’t need to do anything until our next conversation, because instead of rushing to figure out my role in their challenge, I shifted focus to helping them figure out their own.

I took my coach training to help others, but honestly, it really let me help myself. I could be the kind of manager I was proud of, without destroying myself in the process. 

I want that for you too.

Gallup’s data tells no lies—being a manager right now is a lot. But I see hope in these reports, despite all the gloomy stats and sentiments. Because so much of our satisfaction, our sense of progress, our wellbeing and happiness at work come down to our relationships there. And we can work on those! We can make them better! The dread of solving another person’s newest challenge can change into the excitement of helping someone get themselves out of the muck.

Sara and I created the Manager’s Playbook to give you the tools to help get you there—you’ll learn how to coach your colleagues in many situations, from growth conversations to emotional crises. As one past participant shared: “I’m now less likely to jump in and fix a problem if my team comes to me and instead have the skills and tools to better help them find their own answers.”

I’m so excited to share that we’re bringing this series back this August. If you need some relief from the pressures of managing humans, let us lighten your load.

—Jen

The Manager’s Playbook

How to build strong teams and partnerships in times of change

Learn the coaching and conflict resolution skills you need to level up your team, navigate your org, and thrive as a manager. Includes two half-day workshops on Friday, August 16, and Friday, August 23, plus a 1:1 coaching session with Jen or Sara.

Week 1: Manager Foundations
Coaching skills for building trust, alignment, and performance

Week 2: Hard Conversations
How to navigate feedback, conflict, and cross-functional challenges

Week 3: 1:1 Coaching Session
Put your learning into practice with a private coaching session

Registering 3+ people? Use code TEAM at checkout and save 15%.

What past participants are saying

“Coming out of each workshop, I was immediately able to take what I learned and start having the authentic conversations I always wanted to have, but felt too awkward to initiate. The workshop format is also fun, energetic, and uplifting. If you’re tired of feeling burnt out and worn down managing a team, the Manager’s Playbook is for you.”

—Jake Mitchell, product design manager

EPISODE 21

Is my reputation trashed forever?

Everyone’s entitled to their opinions. But what do you do when your reputation doesn't match your reality?

On the reading list

My Job Was My Life. Then I Got Fired.

What’s inescapable to me now is how thoroughly I had bought into certain myths about what it means to be a woman who is “getting ahead at work.” I told myself I was loving it. I was like a coach who couldn’t stop giving pep talks: “This is awesome” or “I’m so happy to be here.” And sometimes it was even true. If work meant sacrificing everything, then I’d sacrifice.

“I've never been unemployed before": A Guide

What I wish I knew about working in tech as a bright-eyed fresh out of college working professional… you will be laid off, it’s not a matter of if, but when. You can be a top performer, literally number 1, and the business unit is shut down or everyone with a specific job title you happen to have is deemed non-mission critical or some other arbitrary fact will hit. To the non-tech community, a lay off can be viewed as a personal failure. Rarely is that true in tech. So, tip #1 – keep your head up. You are not your job. And, you likely did nothing wrong. 

Goodbye, Work Friends

To work, for so many of us, is to want, want, want. To want to be happy at work. To feel useful and respected. To grow professionally and fulfill your ambitions. To be recognized as leaders. To be able to share what you believe with the people you’re around for eight or more hours a day. To be loyal and hope your employers will reciprocate. To be compensated fairly. To take time off to recharge and enjoy the fruits of your labor. To conquer the world. To do a good enough job and coast through middle age to retirement.