- Nice Work
- Posts
- Nice Work: How to hit reset right now
Nice Work: How to hit reset right now
Sara Wachter-Boettcher
July 02, 2021
I didn’t send this newsletter last month. That’s probably NBD to you, but it wasn’t to me.
First I pushed it out a week—I was writing a new talk, and running bunches of events, and wrapping up my spring group coaching program. “Things will quiet down,” I told myself.
They didn’t. Every day felt chock-full—even when it wasn’t.
Then I took my first trip home to see my family across the country in two years. “Maybe while I’m traveling I can write it,” I thought.
I didn’t. I stared at the inflight movie menu and rubbed at the mask indentations behind my ears instead.
And then finally, sitting in my brother’s spare room in Oregon, I remembered: I don’t have to do this. Let’s be honest, even if you love this newsletter, you probably didn’t even notice.
But it’s hard to admit when we’ve hit our limit—especially if you, like me, care a lot about helping others weather hard times. It feels like there’s always more you could be doing.
I see this a lot with my coaching clients who are managers.
They can get so focused on showing up for their teams—lightening their loads, advocating for more resources, being the proverbial “shit umbrella”—that they turn themselves into martyrs, throwing everything they have into keeping their teams afloat, while quietly sinking themselves. No, no. I’m fine, they’ll say, even though the water’s up to their ears.
What I’ve learned—and continue to mess up and then relearn—is that while it often feels like we’re most helpful when we put everyone else first, it’s not true. First off, it leads to burnout—because literally no one can sustain that forever. And when we’re burned out, we can’t help anyone.
Second, it warps our sense of priorities—because we’re so used to pushing through and handling things, we lose sight of what’s actually worth handling right now, and what isn’t (like me with my newsletter). This can stress your team, too, because even though you’re doing all this to lighten their load, what you’re modeling is that overworking and overloading yourself is normal.
But maybe worst of all, when we don’t allow ourselves the space to process our feelings, acknowledge our needs, and set boundaries, we actually become dangerous to our colleagues—because we start taking our unprocessed stress out on them, without even realizing it.
Here’s an example: When humans feel powerless, they tend to look for something to control. That’s not a bad thing—focusing on what’s within your control can be healthy and calming. But when we don’t realize that’s what we’re feeling, we can’t be intentional about where we go looking for control. So instead, we project that unmet need onto our teams as micromanagement: asking people for endless check-ins, expecting Slack updates every 15 minutes, being way too in the weeds on their work.
We can break these cycles.
It all starts with something very simple to say, but challenging to do: practice naming what you’re feeling (I find this feelings wheel really helpful for that). Many of us have been taught to “leave our feelings at the door” at work—so we’re often really bad at identifying what we feel. We’ll reduce everything down to one word: “stressed.” So ask yourself, what’s underneath that stress? Where is fear driving your work habits right now? What are you doing out of anger? Out of insecurity?
If you’re interested in working through these things with a supportive group of peers, I’m running a workshop on July 22 all about this. It’s called Reflect, Reset, Rebound, and it’s designed for managers and leads. More info is below.
— Sara
Reflect, Reset, Rebound
A workshop for leaders
July 22 from 12-2:30pm ET
It’s been the longest year and a half of all time, and your team is fried. Management is talking about returning to the office. Your reports are wondering whether they should just quit. And there you are in the middle, trying to be supportive—but you’re just as exhausted as everyone else. Join us and learn how to hit reset on your leadership practice right now.
On the reading list
This was the first year that I haven’t had my hair commented on and touched without permission in my professional life. I actually like not having to go into the office and be constantly reminded that I’m the only Black woman there.
The disruption and trauma of the past year have created a once-in-a-generation opportunity to redesign working models from the ground up—with principles of diversity, equity and inclusion placed at the center from the start.
The work of living through a pandemic has been making us sick. As a primary-care doctor, I’m witnessing the physical-health toll of collective trauma—high blood pressure, headaches, herniated discs. And this has been before many people have returned to the office or resumed their pre-pandemic schedules.
Simply being human carries occupational risk. Now is the time to redefine burnout as the mental and physical fallout from accumulated stress in any sphere of life, whether that’s work, parenting, caregiving, or managing chronic illness.
A couple of years ago, the thing was unlimited paid vacation. It was huge in the UK corporate wellness market, until it was discovered that a lot of people do not take their vacation days, and when they do, they’re still connected to the office by email. The only way that we can get a decent break is when we’re forced into it: when the company says: ‘Guess what, everything’s shutting down, nobody’s allowed to work.’
The modern office was created after World War II, on a military model—strict hierarchies, created by men for men, with an assumption that there is a wife to handle duties at home. But after years of gradual change in Silicon Valley and elsewhere, there’s a growing realization that the model is broken. Millions of people have spent the past year re-evaluating their priorities. How much time do they want to spend in an office? Where do they want to live if they can work remotely? Do they want to switch careers? For many, this has become a moment to literally redefine what is work.
Latest Strong Feelings episodes
Episode 93: Tuning Inward with Rachael Dietkus
Most of us think of trauma as the capital “T” kind: war, natural disasters, serious abuse. But day-to-day life is full of smaller traumas, and those need to be processed, too: bullying, work stress, the aftermath of the pandemic. Rachael Dietkus of Social Workers Who Design is on a mission to help us do just that.
Episode 92: Practically Radical with Rachel & Travis Gertz
Most work environments prioritize profits over people. But there are other ways businesses can look—if we’re willing to imagine them. We talk with Rachel and Travis Gertz of Louder Than Ten, a cooperative company on a mission to democratize the workplace through project management.
Reply