Nice Work: Put away your duct tape

Hi there,

Good managers are an org’s MVPs. This article in the Harvard Business Review describes it perfectly: managers “are essential to helping businesses navigate rapid, complex change. They can make work more meaningful, interesting, and productive, and true organizational transformation can occur only with their involvement. They’re the glue that holds teams and enterprises together, fostering the inclusion and psychological safety individuals and groups need to thrive.”

But for every article celebrating the virtues of good managers, there’s an article describing how freaking hard it is to be one right now. The uncertainty and churn is a lot to navigate personally—but as a manager, you have to lead your team through it too. It’s no wonder IC work is looking real good lately. 

If that’s what you need to refill your cup, I 100% support you! But there’s a difference between leaving management because you want something different and leaving because the stress has given you no choice. In that latter camp are a lot of you who find deep meaning and satisfaction in supporting and growing your people. I don’t want you to lose that.And, frankly, your teams can’t afford for you to lose that. This study shows that managers impact employees’ mental health more than doctors or therapists—and about the same as a spouse or partner. I don’t say that to pressure you to buck up or work harder. I say that to remind you that your health and wellbeing is a precious commodity your organization should be protecting under glass, cushioned on silk.

I can’t make your leadership do that. I can’t make them set more realistic expectations for what you and your colleagues can take on. I can’t get them to stop shuffling people around from team to team, or trapping you in pointless meetings that take up half your week. But I can show you how to make a role you love more sustainable: by shifting your approach from fixing to coaching.

Fixing means the burden—and blame—all falls on you to make things okay for your team. It’s the MO of most people pleasers. You tie yourself in knots trying to make people happy, safe, and fulfilled. But it’s a losing game. You hold yourself accountable for forces far beyond your control. When you can’t make things better, you feel like a failure. Your team may appreciate the effort—but it doesn’t get them unstuck either. And it trains them to look to you to solve problems that might actually be better handled by them.

Coaching is different. It doesn’t ask: how can I help? It asks: what do you need? It recognizes that your people are insightful, capable, and resourceful—and in turn, gives you the tools to help them unlock all that good stuff so they can make decisions and take action themselves. It’s empowering to them and freeing for you. And it scales—coaching skills are as useful for building trust and connection as they are for unpacking big, messy challenges and blocks.

Let me show you an example of how this looks in practice. Imagine you have a teammate who’s really struggling with their PM. They feel ignored and disrespected, and are starting to check out in frustration. In fix-it mode, you might go straight to that PM and ask what the hell is going on. Then, having heard two contradictory reports, you feel compelled to pull both people together to talk it through. You broker something resembling a compromise and commit to checking in with both sides to see how progress is coming along. This isn’t wrong or bad, but it’s a whole lot of effort on your part. You are now fully enmeshed in a relationship problem that isn’t yours! You’ve trained both people to come to you instead of each other when problems arise. You’ve given yourself an ongoing responsibility to make sure everyone’s okay.

If you approached it as a coach, your goal wouldn’t be to fix the issue—it would be to help your teammate understand what they’re experiencing, what they need, and how they want to move forward. By listening, mirroring, and asking questions, you can help them get clarity and confidence that might be hard to access on their own. It may be that they do ask you to talk to their PM—but it’s just as likely that you’ll have helped them decide how they want to have that conversation themselves. You’ll still be there to process how it went and how they want to continue from there—but the heavy lifting isn’t yours.

If that feels like abdicating your duties, I promise it’s not. Your teammate has learned how to have a hard conversation—and that experience will make it that much easier for them to have other hard conversations over time. You’ve also reinforced the idea that you believe in their ability to handle challenges. That they can come to you with issues and get your support without being steamrolled. That they have agency and choice.

Coaching made my life as a manager easier and a lot more fulfilling than when I was in constant crisis mode. Sara and I created our new workshop series, the Manager’s Playbook, so you can feel that way too. Over the course of 4 weeks, you’ll learn how to coach people through the moments that matter most: from 1:1s and career conversations to feedback sessions and performance reviews. You’ll come away with the skills and confidence you need to make your very important role less stressful—while still being successful.Give the program a look! And if you have a manager in your life who could use the support, forward them this email. 

—Jen

MAY 8-30

The Manager’s Playbook

How to build strong teams and partnerships in times of change

A four-week workshop series for leaders who are ready to have more fulfilling and productive relationships with their team members, peers, and partners.

Week 1: Foundations
Essential skills for effective relationships

Week 2: Your team
Coaching skills for trust, alignment, and performance

Week 3: Your peers and partners
Working across functions and through conflicts

Week 4: Synthesis
Private coaching session with Jen or Sara

Registering 3+ people? Use code TEAM at checkout and save 15%.