Nice Work: What we talk about when we talk about leadership

This Twitter thread summed up so perfectly both what drew me to leadership work...and also what makes me want to scream in most conversations about leadership.

We’ve been so acculturated to think of a leader as the charismatic, authoritative person in the front of the room, we struggle to realize that there’s so much more to leadership than a booming voice and a big idea.

So what is leadership, really? If you ask me, it’s pretty simple: leadership is the ability to work intentionally in the direction of your values or goals, and to make others want to come along with you.

Sometimes the best way of doing that is to stand up and rally a room around a cause. But oftentimes, it’s actually much more effective to slow down and see what’s stopping people from getting on board. To talk things through until they feel clear. To mediate disagreements about the best way to get from here to there. To ask questions, build rapport, and generate trust.

All of those are leadership skills. We just don’t often call them that.

That’s a problem. Because we don’t label these skills as essential to good leadership, we don’t often see them on performance reviews or consider them must-haves in a hiring process. We let people who are loud and confident get away with being jerks, because they’re “performing” in the ways we count.

And it’s not just that our culture lets others get away with lacking these skills. It also encourages us to devalue them in ourselves.

Over the past year, I’ve heard from more clients and workshop participants than I can count that they just aren’t sure whether they’re really leaders. Sure, they’re good at listening, they’ll say. Or at creating consensus. Or at organizing projects. But those aren’t leadership skills. They’re “just” people skills or ops work. “Anyone” could do those things.

I’m here to say: nope. Those are leadership skills. And they matter so much—especially right now, a year-plus into a pandemic when everyone’s beyond fried.

It’s not just me. I asked my Twitter followers the other day which leadership skills they wished more people recognized as such. Here are a few things they told me:

• Demonstrating trust by deferring to teammates and supporting their decisions

• Asking what people need to feel supported and successful

• Facilitating a conversation without dominating it

• Asking hard and uncomfortable questions

• Creating an environment where others can ask questions

• Bringing genuine curiosity about the other person’s thinking to a conversation

The truth is, there’s no one way to look or act like a leader.

Some leaders are amazing at facilitation. They can guide teams through sticky problems in a way that feels almost invisible. That’s leadership.

Some leaders are most powerful when they’re bringing folks to a deeper understanding. They can unpack a problem, lay it bare, and make the root causes clear to everyone. That’s leadership.

Some leaders are at their best when they’re championing their team—reminding them of their strengths and coaching them to do their best work. That’s leadership.

The key isn’t trying to perform someone else’s idea of leadership. That’ll always feel a little flat, and suck the energy right out of you. The answer is actually to dig deep within yourself, and start recognizing where your leadership strengths already lie. Because trust me, they’re there. And once you let yourself believe they matter—and start trusting them—they’ll become your superpowers.

Registration is open: The next Courageous Leadership Program starts 5/5

“This program helped me grow exponentially in my self-trust and gave me memorable and practical tools that I’ve been using since in subsequent challenging situations… This was SO worth my time and investment! Highly recommended.”

— Zena, UX researcher

If you're tired of narrow, sexist, racist, ableist definitions of leadership and want to gain more clarity and confidence on leading like yourself, the Courageous Leadership Program is for you. It's a 6-week, small-group coaching program all about finding—and learning to value—the unique skills and perspective you bring to your work, so you can quiet your inner critic and speak up more boldly, where and when it matters. Meets Wednesdays starting May 5. Register by April 30.

Next week at Collective Strength: Pandemic Parenting Reset on 4/14

Are you a parent struggling under pandemic stress? Join us at 12pm ET next Wednesday for a free event with Donna Lichaw—an exec coach who works with women, LGBTQ folks, and others who don’t fit traditional models of leadership, and a parent who's struggling, too. We'll have a casual, interactive conversation about:

• Finding and owning your superpowers, even when you’re exhausted

• Redefining success and staying connected to your sense of self

• Giving yourself permission to acknowledge and grieve your losses (without comparing them to everyone who has it worse)

• Letting go of expectations that aren’t serving you

New on Strong Feelings: Being Vulnerable with Margot Bloomstein 

Margot Bloomstein wanted to find out how companies can beat cynicism and build trust in this moment. Years of research and a new book later, she has the formula: voice, volume, and—the scariest for all of us—vulnerability. Don't miss her powerful interview in episode 87 of Strong Feelings, and definitely pick up Margot's new book, Trustworthy. 

On the reading list

1. Andrew Cuomo and the Performance of Power

Speaking of what leadership looks like, this conversation between Ezra Klein and Rebecca Traister, while nominally about Andrew Cuomo, is a wonderful take on what's wrong with how we see leadership right now.

2. Your Team Needs a Comms Manual

So much is left unsaid in day-to-day communication—whether between partners or on a team. The result is all kinds of assumptions about things like how long it should take the other party to reply to an email, or what an “informal” meeting looks like. And in lots of organizations and relationships, it feels plain weird to talk about this stuff—so we go along, running off implicit beliefs and understandings...till everyone's frustrated. This approach to setting and enforcing extremely clear guidelines for how to communicate can help you turn the implicit into the explicit. 

3. After Working at Google, I’ll Never Let Myself Love a Job Again

Software engineer Emi Nietfeld joined Google right after college, and it seemed like a dream—until she was sexually harassed by her tech lead and the “family” she thought she had left her feeling isolated and alone. She's not the first person to write about the perils of loving your job, but this account feels all too normal in tech.   

4. Navigating obstacles at work

Heather McGaw, a staff product researcher at Shopify, got my attention recently with this article on how to move past barriers at work by first looking at what's in and outside of your control. Often, when we're feeling stuck, we dive straight to a sense of powerlessness—nothing will ever change, there's nothing I can do. This technique will help you take a step back and look at where there is, in fact, something you can do—as well as what to do when there's not.