Nice Work: Choosing who to be

Hi there,

I’ve been thinking about this perfect quote since Jane Davis said it during our event on hard conversations last week.

Specifically, I’ve been thinking about the times when I missed the mark.

Here’s one in particular: back when I was a first-time manager, someone new joined my team—and things weren’t going well. They weren’t taking the lead where I expected them to. They weren’t gelling with the rest of the team. They weren’t owning enough, they weren’t getting up to speed fast enough, they weren’t taking enough initiative.

Ooof. I’m cringing writing all that out, but it’s true: I had written a story in my head about why things weren’t working, and the narrative was all about them.

And then, this wrinkle: I really liked this person. They were funny and weird and smart and interesting. I wanted things to work out, and I didn’t want to hurt them.

So I dragged my feet and hoped things would get better. They didn’t.

Finally, I decided it was time to sit down and talk things through. So I asked them to lunch.

But sitting across from them, waiting for our orders, I clammed up. I didn’t know where to start. I didn’t want to be unkind. I worried that my assessment was unfair. I questioned all the conversations I’d had with them in the past.

And so by the time I actually started the conversation, I’d worked myself into knots. I was wishy-washy where I needed to be candid. I was mush-mouthed when I needed to be specific.

I spent more time staring at the basket of chips sitting between us than I did looking them in the eye.

I wanted to be a good manager—that’s why I had asked them to lunch. I knew they deserved time and space to talk about the role and figure out a path forward. But I didn’t know how to actually do that. So instead, I showed up stuck in my perspective—stuck in all those stories I had written about them. I showed up scared and overwhelmed—too stressed out to communicate effectively.

And if I’m being honest, I also showed up protective: I didn’t want them to see that I had no idea what I was doing as a manager.

I have compassion for the manager I was then—she really was trying her best. But I don’t respect the way she handled that conversation. Because in that moment, I chose my immediate comfort—my desire not to make things weird, my fear of being seen as inexperienced—over saying something actually meaningful. And as soon as I did, I lost out.

I lost the chance to understand this person better.

I lost a chance to connect more deeply.

I lost a chance to actually resolve the situation.

I can’t go back in time, and that’s OK. But if I could give past-me some tips, here’s what I’d tell her:

• Your first job is to stay calm and present—and that means slowing down and focusing on what’s going on with you right now. What are you feeling? What are you afraid of? What’s important to you about having this conversation? And crucially, which of your values do you most want to lead with right now?

• It’s OK to have thoughts and opinions about the situation. But they’re just that: thoughts and opinions. What might you be missing? How does the other party see it? If you’re not curious about their point of view, then you’re going to miss a chance to connect—and to learn something.

• I know you think you’re being “kind” when you gloss over the details. But what you’ll see someday is that this urge is more about protecting yourself from discomfort than it is about protecting their feelings. This person deserves clarity—and they deserve to hear it from you now, not be surprised with it at review time.

• It’s not your fault that you didn’t learn to do this sooner, but it’s your responsibility to do it now. Your people deserve it.

This is the part of the post where I am contractually required to tell you that our newest program here at Active Voice is called the Manager’s Playbook, and it starts May 8. We’ll go deep on all the skills I’m talking about here: setting expectations with team members, building trust and relationships, handling conflict, and more. I really hope some more people sign up.

But honestly, even if none of you did, I’d still be happy I wrote you this newsletter. Because I want everyone who struggles to say the hard stuff to know that you’re not alone. And you can do this.

—Sara

MAY 8-31

The Manager’s Playbook

How to build strong teams and partnerships in times of change

A four-week workshop series for leaders who are ready to have more fulfilling and productive relationships with their team members, peers, and partners.

Week 1: Foundations
Essential skills for effective relationships

Week 2: Your team
Coaching skills for trust, alignment, and performance

Week 3: Your peers and partners
Working across functions and through conflicts

Week 4: Synthesis
Private coaching session with Jen or Sara

Registering 3+ people? Use code TEAM at checkout and save 15%.

EPISODE 19

Is this worth it?

Crossroads…it’s not just a Britney Spears film. This week’s letter writers are looking to change their relationships to work.

On the reading list

A modest proposal: a way forward for design et al.
“The truth is, I had a lot more success in my work when I joined forces with other disciplines to create and present a more convincing, less brittle reason to move in a particular direction. I did that by being more open than I want to be right now. I did it by being aware of the context I was working in but not overwhelmed by it. I did it by spending what seemed like aimless time thinking and bringing back what could be terrible ideas that I trusted my teammates to help me make better. They always listened, and they always helped. Because I did that for them, too.”

Design can’t fix everything
“Designers who claimed that design can fix anything did all of us a disservice. Because design does have real value and can greatly contribute both to business financial success and human flourishing... Design provides the most value around deciding WHAT to make and HOW to make it work. But design on its own cannot actually make it work or ensure profitability.”

Build research practices with deep stakeholder listening and ReOps
“We can reframe how we see ‘feedback’ as part of practice-building. It’s a collective way to contribute ideas jointly, where we can develop user-centric practices that are shared among the team. It’s also a way to embrace tensions as they come up.”