Hey there,

You know that feeling when you see someone you know well… but the vibe has totally changed?

The most mundane interactions set off your spidey-senses: A terse email. A weird look. A rushed catch-up. Something’s off.

I usually think of this feeling in the context of dating or friendships, but it shows up all the time at work, too. And right now, a friend of mine is feeling it with her manager.

My friend has always sung her manager’s praises: “So supportive,” “a big champion of mine.” Until one day, a few weeks ago, the vibe changed—out of nowhere—and hasn’t shifted back since.

All that warmth? Gone, poof! There’s a coldness on their calls. Uncomfortable silences. Extra questioning. Vague references.

And my friend, no surprise, is panicking. Because of course this tone shift is all her fault. She’s been running through all the possibilities—her work is bad, she’s asked for too much, she’s gonna get put on a PIP, she’s gonna be laid off. On and on it spirals.

My friend’s in hypervigilance mode. Who could blame her? We all have a laundry list of reasons to be a little extra on-edge right now. Cynicism is sinking in. A sense of safety? Gone. Her engagement? Dwindling. Her productivity? Shot.

This is a relationship unraveling in real time—and I’m watching it happen.

I see three potential futures for them:

1. The vibe never fully shifts back, and they never acknowledge it.

2. Eventually, the reason for this vibe shift is revealed… and it has nothing to do with my friend at all.

3. Eventually, the reason for this vibe shift is revealed… and the cause is indeed my friend.

None of these futures lead to a happy ending—for either of them.

In the first situation, trust will continue to erode. Even if things look normal again, there will always be an underlying suspicion that things aren’t as friendly they seem. In the second situation, my friend is suffering for no reason—a recipe for resentment, even if someday she gets an explanation. And in the third situation, both people are suffering—and for longer than necessary—because they’re avoiding or delaying something hard that needs to be said. Maybe it’s a tough piece of feedback, or disappointing news, or an awkward request. The unspoken words are left to fester until they rot.

I’ve been on both sides of this table. And what I know now for certain is that I have way more regrets about things I’ve left unsaid than things I’ve let come out—however imperfectly.

Our colleagues aren’t mind-readers… but they’ll try to be, when things get strained. The stories they concoct to make sense of why things feel so off can go in some terrifying directions. And this anxiety takes a hell of a toll, especially right now, when very few of us have extra emotional capacity to spare.

So say the damn thing—for everyone’s sake.

I know it’s not easy, or comfortable, or always 100% safe. But that metaphor about ripping off the band-aid fast exists for a reason. The sooner the truth is out on the table, the sooner everyone has a chance to recover.

You don’t need the perfect words, the perfect moment, the perfect environment. Your clumsiness is a reminder that you are simply a human trying to find your way through an awkward, uncomfortable thing. And it gives the other person grace to show up imperfectly, too.

“This is hard for me to explain, but I feel like it’s important to share…”

“I’ve been scared to bring this up, but it’s been scarier to think of not bringing it up…”

“Something’s been feeling off. Can we talk about it today…”

Relationships aren’t repaired inside one person’s head. It takes two people, together—sharing the burden, for both of their benefits.

—Jen

Team Up

Build a team that talks, works, and wins together... without the drama.

An on-demand course for managers, leads, and anyone who wants their team to do big things—together. Learn how to: 

• Navigate stressful situations with confidence and composure

• Get your team members unstuck—without taking on their problems

• Trade awkward 1:1s for coaching conversations that unlock growth

• Improve team trust, safety, and collaboration

• Give feedback that’s clear, fair, and actionable

• Turn conflict into deeper alignment

Course price: $329 $164.50

Discount through April 15 only. 

On the list

Your boss is overwhelmed—here’s how to work with them, not against them

When your manager is juggling a million things, they don’t have time to read between the lines or guess what you need. Most leaders want to support their team—they just need a little direction. That’s where you come in. Rather than hoping your manager will “support you,” be specific. Ask them to role-play a tough conversation with you, join a high-stakes meeting, or advocate for your work to leadership. The clearer you are about what you need, the easier it is for them to step up and help.

Understanding the social biome and how everyday communication adds up

Any individual moment of interaction can seem inconsequential, but at scale, our habits of interaction are anything but. Respect, dignity, and trust, as well as hate, indifference, and disdain all play out in small moments of communication—small moments that, over time, accumulate, crystallize, and calcify into our view of the world around us as a generally welcoming or inherently intolerant place.

How to prepare for a meeting where emotions will run high

When facing a situation that will be emotionally challenging, people often default to one of two unproductive responses. Many avoid thinking about it altogether, distracting themselves with low-priority tasks like emails. Others do the opposite—ruminating and worrying without taking meaningful steps to manage their anxiety or prepare. Both approaches tend to backfire, making us feel worse and leaving us less emotionally equipped when the moment arrives.